Why Children Need Family Problem Solving Skills

One of the most important skills for parents and children to learn is the art of solving their problems together. Being part of this process teaches children how to tackle challenges on their own when they need to. It benefits the parent-child relationship, builds children’s self-esteem and makes the whole family stronger. Learning and practicing the skill of family problem solving is essential for everyone’s success.

Children Learn What They See

When you teach your children how to solve problems, you’re giving them one of the most effective keys to success in life. As they grow, they’ll face many challenges and won’t always be able to call on you to help them. But remember that they’re going to model their behavior on yours. It’s how they learn what they need to know about living. 

Ask yourself: How do I handle problems? Do I jump to the first solution that feels good, or do I think about my options and choose the most logical one? Do I break down and cry if the problem makes me feel frustrated, or do I approach it calmly? Do I try to go it alone, or ask friends or family for advice?

As you ask yourself these questions, keep in mind that your children will copy your problem-solving method because they will think it’s the right one. 

Modeling Behavior

To model what really is the right way to solve problems, parents need to teach their children how to solve family problems together. This will focus the family on working on a common goal and it will teach children problem solving by modeling it in front of them. 

But there is so much more to it. If we, as parents, allow every family member to voice their opinions when the family is solving a problem, we are sending a valuable message: I care about what you think and I need to hear your opinion before we try to solve the problem. This will benefit our relationship with our children by showing them that they can trust us to take care of them. 

Telling children that we care what they think doesn’t mean automatically agreeing to what they’re proposing. It just tells them we’re willing to listen. The fact that we’re taking the time to listen to them tells them we take them seriously, which goes a long way in building trust. 

Building Trust

Parents sometimes forget how important trust is to the health of their relationship with their children. But research tells us it’s essential. “The parent-child relationship is the first social relationship,” says Danielle Kaslow, Ph.D., in a 2008 study on caregiver-infant bonding, which the health-and-wellness website PsychCentral reported. “It teaches the child that he can communicate in order to get his needs met, which transfers to forming relationships later in life

Building trust as a parent is a lot like what happens at your job or in school. Think about your boss or, if you’re in school, your teacher. How do you feel when they ask your opinion about something? You probably feel respected and more likely to go along willingly with their decisions or to accept their instruction. If they seem to trust you, you trust them in turn.

What if they dismiss you and tell everyone that their ideas are the only ones worth considering? What if your boss or teacher simply said, “Because I told you so”? Parents do have to use that expression sometimes, depending on the age of the child and the kind of decision needed.  But in a situation when everyone should have a say, how much would you trust someone who acts like a dictator? 

Nurturing Family Relationships

Every relationship needs to be nurtured. We wouldn’t hang out with a friend who doesn’t listen to us or care what we think. If we ever feel uncomfortable with a friend, we can simply end the friendship. But we don’t have that option with our children and neither do they. Besides, we don’t want to end the relationship, even if we could. We love each other. We have to make the time to put in the work to strengthen our relationship with children. Teaching how to problem-solve as a family is a perfect opportunity to do it.

If we allow our children to participate in a family problem solving session, they will learn to approach problems like we do. They will begin to understand our point and will make decisions based on what they learned from us. The more you do it, the better you’ll get at it – and the closer you’ll be drawing your children to you.

Tips for Family Problem-Solving

When you bring the family together for problem solving, you may have to think about the issues a little differently. Be Strong International has many experienced staff members who can help you learn family problem solving skills. Meanwhile, try these ideas for more successful problem solving as a family.

Wait Until Everyone Is Calm 

The more emotional and sensitive the problem is, the more important it is to be calm and rational when you talk about it. If your daughter has been breaking curfew on a regular basis, 2 a.m. is no time to discuss the problem. Meet in the morning when everyone is rested and in a more positive frame of mind.

Choose the Right Time and Place

Your home is the best place to meet. Everyone is comfortable there and you’ll have all the privacy you need. If you do decide to meet away from home, choose somewhere with as few distractions as possible and make your discussion the main point of the outing. Don’t go to a baseball game and then announce you’re going to talk about the need to cut back spending.

Set Ground Rules

Start the meeting by getting everyone to agree on how it will happen. Some common rules include:

• Listen politely to what each person has to say. No interrupting, laughing or making faces.
• If you’re speaking, respect everyone else’s time; don’t take over the conversation.
• Don’t point fingers or blame other family members for the problem.
• Accept responsibility if you are contributing to the problem.

Identify the Problem

State the issue as you understand it. Stick to the facts; focus on behavior, not feelings. Facts: “There are dirty dishes piling up and the grass is getting overgrown.” Feelings: “You guys aren’t doing your chores, which is very irresponsible and disrespectful.”

Give Everyone Their Say

Make sure all family members are able to express themselves and speak freely, as long as they follow the ground rules. When they do speak, don’t dismiss their statement. Have everyone hold their responses until all family members have spoken.

Be Willing to Be Wrong

You’re not always right just because you’re the parent. Maybe you really aren’t being fair in the way you assign household chores. Maybe you’re the only one who wants to go to Las Vegas for vacation. If you truly are wrong and are willing to admit it, you will take an enormous step in building trust with your children.

No Solution? Take a Break

You can’t always solve a problem in one session. Bigger problems may take several sessions, especially if your family is new to this problem solving method. With an emotional issue, expect some emotional reactions. If you do reach a stalemate – or if someone gets upset and runs off – be willing to adjourn the meeting and try again at another time.

Get Everyone’s Agreement

Don’t leave the table without everyone’s agreement to whatever decision your family has made, even if it’s just a decision to adjourn and come back later. If you come to a solution, be sure that it’s acceptable to everyone. If most family members agree but one or two resist the agreed solution, ask them to “just try it for now.” Plan to come back in a week or a month to assess the solution and see if it needs revision.

Make a Plan

Once you have a solution, make a plan for putting it into action. Be sure everyone knows their part in achieving success. Be specific and make sure the plan is measurable. “Dishwashing duty starts no more than 10 minutes after the table is cleared” is measurable; “Everyone will do the dishes faster” is not.

Close on a Positive Note

Even if you haven’t solved the problem, be supportive and optimistic. You can thank family members for being present, for being cooperative or for doing their best to contribute  helpful ideas. If no one broke down crying and ran from the room, maybe that’s a big success for your family!  If you did solve the problem, tell them you’re happy that everyone came together and came up with a great solution. 

Try This Sensible Problem Solving Method

When you asked yourself about your problem-solving method, what did you discover? Do you tend to be calm and rational or stressed-out and emotional? A family problem-solving session may finally be the motivation you need to tackle issues in a calmer, more rational way. After all, if you want your children to approach problems in a productive way, you have to show them how.

For more help with problem solving or other ways to strengthen your family relationships, contact us at Be Strong International.