Fighting in Front of the Children Creates Insecurity
Home should be a safe haven for those living in it – a place where everyone gets along, finds refuge for the pressures of the outside world and is accepted by people who love them. Children should look forward to coming home to a happy, loving place. But if their parents are always fighting in front of them, home becomes an uncomfortable place – even an unsafe one. If you and your partner or spouse find yourself arguing in front of your children, consider all the ways this could be harmful to them and learn how to change your behavior for your family’s sake.
The Importance of a Stable Home Environment
Having a stable home for your children will help them prepare them for their own adulthood. Children model their parents’ behavior, using their parents as guides for the right way to behave. To learn how to resolve disagreements rationally, they need to see the adults in their lives acting working out their differences in a calm, rational manner. If they don’t see you behaving this way, they won’t know how to disagree with someone in a mature way.
A stable home environment also boosts children’s self-esteem. If they live in a loving, orderly home, they will feel safe and confident. The home might not be fancy and they might not have the latest gadgets and toys that “all the other kids” have, but they know they don’t have to worry that their parents will suddenly start yelling at each other and shattering the peace.
Finally, children have a way of blaming themselves for their parents’ mistakes. Just as children of divorce often worry that they caused their parents to split up, they may worry that their parents are fighting because of something they did. If their home is never at peace, they might wonder if they simply don’t deserve a happy home.
Effects of Parents Arguing in Front of Their Child
If you’re used to fighting with your partner, it may be easy to tell yourself that it doesn’t matter. You fought, forgave each other and moved on. But it’s not that easy for children. They don’t understand there’s a small amount of friction in every relationship, so they tend to see disaster in the slightest disturbance. When you argue in front of them and they don’t see you forgive each other later, you could be setting them up for problems now and later in life.
Before getting into that, let’s be clear about what we mean by “arguing.” An argument can just be a difference of opinion and it can be rational and calm. When the difference of opinion turns into a shouting match, which often happens when the subject is emotional, that’s when the problems start – and can continue. Developmental psychologist Diana Divecha, Ph.D., cites a 2002 study which found that adults who had grown up in homes with “high levels of conflict” had more physical, emotional and social problems. These included substance-use disorders, loneliness and problems with intimacy.
5 Ways Fighting Can Hurt Your Kids
- By Causing Emotional Distress
It’s not hard to understand. If two people you loved and had control over your life spent all their time yelling at each other, even hitting each other, how would you feel? Seeing parents physically fight in front of them can cause great emotional distress for children that stays with them into adulthood. Your child
- By Lowering Their Self-Esteem
Children can blame themselves for not helping their parents get along better or even for causing the conflict. This can cause the child to feel shame and to develop a poor self-image.
- By Impairing Their School Performance
When parents fight often, the child may begin to have difficulty focusing on schoolwork; they may be fearful and uncertain. School becomes the least of their concerns and their performance can suffer.
- By Making Them More Aggressive
Children use their parents as role models for adult behavior, so if fighting is the only strategy they see their parents use in a disagreement, they may come to believe it is the only strategy anyone uses to settle disagreements. They could end up failing to develop fulfilling long-term relationships, especially romantic ones.
- By Causing Health Problems
Children who see their parents fighting regularly may become anxious and fearful and may turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms. They might start overeating for comfort, or they might stop eating – using an eating disorder as a way of distracting their parents from their fighting.
Signs That Your Fights Are Hurting Your Child
Even if your fighting is causing one or more of these effects, you may notice at first. A child’s behavior often changes too slowly for the patrent to notice day by day – especially if the parent is fighting with their partner and not paying attention to the child.
But there are immediate signs to watch for. Think of the last time you fought with your partner in front of your child, and look for some telltale signs that your fights are causing problems for your child.
- The kids start crying or doing something to distract you.
- They’ll shut down and become completely silent.
- They look frightened and suddenly run out of the room.
Signs of long-term behavior problems include:
- Inability to make friends; often called anti-social.
- Tendency to bully other children or physically fight with them.
- Tendency to shoulder blame for the parents’ fights.
- Showing signs of depression.
- Performs poorly in school and has no interest in extracurricular activities they once enjoyed.
- Preference for being away from parents.
- Sudden, unexplained physical ailments such as headaches and stomach aches. (Don’t ignore physical illness without consulting a physician, but consider that this could be a symptom of unhappiness over your fighting.)
As you can see, fighting in front of your children can cause great damage. Even if you don’t get emotional and shout at each other, frequent disagreements can make your children feel uncertain and anxious. They will wonder if you ever agree on anything!
It’s not always easy, but it’s essential to keep your disagreements away from your children. Set up some guidelines for yourself, and you will be better able to avoid fighting in front of them.
How to Keep from Fighting in Front of Your Children
A good strategy is to set a time for fighting. If a disagreement comes up, agree to wait until the kids are asleep or out of the house. Use the time to write down the points you want to make in your disagreement to stay rational and limit the time you spend arguing.
When you feel a disagreement starting, be aware of your children’s presence. If they start looking uncomfortable, take extra care to stop and agree to wait until later.
Be extra careful not to argue about the children in front of them. Suppose you disagree about things like household rules, how to discipline the children or other issues. In that case, you must come to an agreement away from the children’s hearing. It’s essential to present a united front regarding matters directly affecting your children; don’t even hint that you are not together on any of those concerns.
These guidelines will help you avoid fighting in front of the children. Still, eventually, an argument will arise and you will forget to follow them. There may be an issue that is so emotional, you just won’t be able to put it off. When that happens, go to your children when the argument is over and explain that adults sometimes have disagreements. Sometimes they get emotional, but it doesn’t mean you don’t love them. Tell them they had nothing to do with the fight, especially if you were fighting about them.
This reassurance is essential but remember that actions always speak louder than words. Make an extra effort to keep from fighting in front of your children to protect their self-esteem and build a healthy family dynamic. To receive more guidance on improving your family communication or other parenting issues, visit Be Strong International and contact us so we can help you get started today.
