One of the primary goals for any parent should be to create a self-sufficient adult who can live independently with no supervision from their mom or dad. But independence is not a skill you can start teaching children in their last few years of adolescence; you can’t do everything for them until they become teenagers and then expect them to take care of themselves when they leave home. Instead, you must begin teaching your child independence early in their lives, as early as the toddler years.
But, you may ask, isn’t parenting hard enough without fighting with my child about household chores or watching them struggle in their friendships? I just want someone to empty the dishwasher!
Why We Need to Teach Children Independence
Yes, it’s easier in the moment to do your child’s work or solve their problems for them. If you handle everything, your silverware will sparkle and they’ll get into a top-notch college because of all the rewrites you did on their entrance essay. But what happens when they’re at that fancy college and have to write their own essays?
In the long run, raising a dependent child can cause you to feel overwhelmed with stress. In addition, it can lower your child’s self-esteem because you seem to think they’re incapable of doing anything for themselves. Teaching independence will relieve the stress that both you and your child feel when they are totally dependent on you for everything.
Be Strong International’s workshops can help you learn strategies to foster independence in your children. Meanwhile, here’s a look at how you can reduce stress in your life by teaching your child independence.
Why Is Parenting So Stressful?
Parents experience many different kinds of stress. First, we have to accomplish all the different tasks and chores for our children: getting them to school and picking them up on time, juggling schedules that get more and more crowded as the children grow, balancing everything with our own personal needs. Then, there’s all the worrying: whether the children are happy and well-adjusted; whether they’re performing well enough in school and are on track to get into a good college and get a good job. All this worry can lead to an absolutely overwhelmed feeling.
“Parenting stress,” says Gwen Dewar, Ph.D., “is the distress you experience when you feel you just can’t cope as a parent. The demands being placed on you are too high. You don’t have the resources to meet them.” The result: feeling stressed and overwhelmed.
Dewar adds, “If you’re feeling overwhelmed, that doesn’t mean you’re an inferior parent. You’ve just got too much on your plate. That’s important to remember, because feelings of inadequacy, defensiveness, guilt – these feelings make parenting stress worse.”
However, adults aren’t the only ones in the family who feel stressed and overwhelmed. Children feel stressed too, although their feelings come from different sources. It’s your job to teach them how to deal with these and other emotions in a healthy, positive way – one of the signs of a mature, independent adult.
What Kinds of Stress Do Children Feel?
Children can feel stress from two different sources: peers and adults.
- Stress from Peers: Fears of not fitting in with other children can continue from childhood through adolescence, whether they worry about not performing on the playground or when peer pressure tempts them to try drugs, alcohol or sexual activity.
- Stress from Adults: Parents and teachers can unknowingly add excessive pressure to excel in school, including sports and extracurricular activities, to get into the “right” college and then get the “right” job. Babies and toddlers also feel stress the first few times their parents leave them; this is called separation anxiety, a reaction that usually fades away as the baby gets used to being apart from their parents.
How Children Respond to Stress
Like adults, children will respond to stress in negative or positive ways. For example, an even-tempered child may respond well to setbacks and criticism, which they will see as opportunities to improve. On the other hand, the easily frustrated child may lash out at others, throw tantrums, or even bully younger, weaker children when things don’t go their way. Other symptoms of poor stress response include mood swings, sleep problems and regressive behaviors like thumb-sucking and bedwetting. In addition, they may show cognitive symptoms of stress, such as forgetfulness, constant worry, trouble focusing and near-constant pessimism.
The difference between these two children isn’t necessarily that they were “born that way.” Much of the first child’s success is simply due to their parents teaching them how to handle setbacks and problems in a healthy way. It also helps to let them know you expect them to manage their own affairs but are available for guidance.
How to Raise Independent Children
First, when we talk about independence, we’re talking about both functional and emotional independence.
Functional independence is the ability to call on life skills like money management and cooking to take care of yourself on your own. However, successfully putting these skills to work often depends on emotional independence: the ability to react in a mature, reasonable fashion that’s appropriate to the situation (neither throwing a tantrum over a slight disappointment nor laughing uncontrollably at a mildly funny joke).
You can help your child become both practically and emotionally independent by following these guidelines:
Let Them Make Mistakes
When they make a mistake, tell them it’s OK – that’s how we learn. Then, ask them to think back on what happened and why they chose to take action. Finally, talk about how they can keep from repeating the error. Be sure they know how important it is to ask for help when needed; it’s not a sign of weakness.
Teach them to avoid negative, judgmental language like “I messed up” and “I failed.” Don’t you use it either.
Assign Household Chores from a Young Age
Doing chores around the house is an effective way of teaching a child independence. The child feels you trust them to carry out a task for the family and treat them as one of the team. This not only raises their self-esteem but prepares them for a lifetime of contribution to whatever group they join. Not to mention it teaches them practical life skills – and gives you one less thing to do!
Assign tasks, and adjust them if necessary, based on the child’s age and physical and mental capabilities. For instance, your 5-year-old probably shouldn’t mow the lawn. But maybe they can pull weeds from the garden.
When it comes to children and chores, don’t expect perfection. And as much as you might want to jump in, don’t fix a less-than-perfect job unless the child asks for help. Instead, thank them for their effort when they’re done and gently advise how they can do it better next time.
Teach Them How to Make Decisions
Some decisions come naturally; if a lion rushes at us, we don’t have to think too hard about whether we should run away. But others take some thought; we’re not born knowing how to decide between doing homework and going out to play.
When your child has to make a hard decision, don’t make it for them – unless you need to keep them from harm — but “walk” them through the decision-making process. For instance, ask questions: What do you want to do? Why? What will happen if you do that? What if you do the other thing? How do you think you might feel when you make each decision? How do you think it might affect other people? Then, unless their decision might be harmful or illegal, let them make it and live with the consequences.
Take It Step by Step
The safest, most reliable way of teaching independence is to introduce it gradually – the way you introduced new foods to them when they were a baby. You give them a little more independence each time to see how they can handle it.
For instance, a preschooler could play alone in a secure area; check in periodically without them knowing you are nearby, and each day, add a minute or two to the time they are “alone.” Or you could leave a 10-year-old home alone while you leave the house for 10 minutes, then for 12 minutes and so on. Another idea, for a teenager with a curfew, is to add 30 minutes each week they consistently come home on time.
Whatever you do to teach your child how to stay home alone, be sure to take it gradually and carefully. Here are some tips:
- Always do the test during daytime hours.
- When starting to leave your child home alone, don’t go more than a block or two away.
- Be sure they know how to summon help if needed.
- When you return home, talk about how they felt and what they did while you were gone. Di they feel scared or anxious? Postpone the test until they’re a little older.
Knowing When to Let Go
It’s hard to let go – whether you’re a little one hanging on to the edge of the swimming pool or a parent letting your child walk into kindergarten without you for the first time. But at some point, everyone has to learn how to live independently. Teaching your child independence should begin early and often, so it becomes a lifelong skill in adulthood.
