If you have kids, you know how tough it is to start the day even when there are no problems. You have to get everyone dressed, fed and out the door in time to make it to school or work with everything they need. Coming home in the evening can be even worse, depending on after-school activities and what your workday has been like.
To reduce this stress, you can prepare for the day by getting everything ready the night before. But there’s more to it than writing a to-do list. The most effective preparation begins years earlier, with teaching your children to be independent. Here’s how you can do it and get the most benefit.
Sources of Family Stress
Stress is a big part of life for today’s American family. Even healthy ones have to cope with many kinds of stress, from financial worries to social concerns. According to the American Psychological Association (APA), 73% of parents reported family responsibilities were a significant source of stress. Most parents who responded said they didn’t think their children noticed their stress. On the contrary, only 14% of tweens and teens reported that they are not bothered when their parent is stressed.
Add these worries to the everyday morning chaos of a typical American family, and you have a perfect storm of stress. The morning can quickly turn into a disaster when children refuse to get up on time, ask for help getting dressed or insist on doing homework they didn’t finish the night before. The stress builds on itself until everyone is anxious and upset.
You can prevent a lot of this with a morning routine, which can reduce anxiety and stress, according to The Huffington Post. But the most effective planning techniques should start long before then. Begin teaching your child to be independent as soon as they are ready. They can take some of the morning and evening responsibilities off your shoulders. More importantly, they will be less demanding because they are more confident about managing their own needs.
Why You Must Teach Your Children Independence
It’s the parent’s job to teach children the life skills they need in adulthood. From tying their shoes to spending their allowance wisely, the things you teach them today will enable them to live as adults. These skills are all about one thing: independence. One day they will leave you to start their own lives. You aren’t just teaching them to save their allowance when they’re young; you’re teaching them how to pay their bills when they’re grown.
This means that independence is a habit that the child must learn and practice over many years. You cannot do everything for them for their first 18 years and then turn them loose with a “Good luck!” You must begin with small tasks over many years and build up to bigger, more important ones as they get older. And the more independent they become through the skills you teach them today, the more confident they will be when they have to learn new skills independently.
How to Teach Your Child Independence
Independence is not a skill your children learn consciously. You don’t give them “independence lessons” in the way you sit down with them and teach them how to write their name or do a math problem. It’s a day-by-day, moment-by-moment process.
Here are some ways to start teaching your child independence:
Talk to Your Child About Taking Responsibility
Before assigning chores or anything else, sit down and explain the need for your child to do their share as a member of the family. Talk about how everyone contributes something and needs to support the rest of the family by pitching in.
This talk will prepare your child for independence by making them feel important. Everyone likes to be told that they matter, and children especially like to feel like they’re part of a team pulling together.
Give Your Child a Day-to-Day Routine
Sit down with your child and make two lists of daily tasks, one for morning and one for evening. Include personal tasks like brushing their teeth and packing up their homework. Assign them household chores as well.
Tailor the list for the child’s age; if they can’t read, use pictures. Don’t expect a 5-year-old to put away dishes in high cabinets, but maybe they can take care of putting cutlery into drawers.
Include a space for checking off when the task is complete, either with stickers or your initials.
Be sure your child agrees to the tasks on each list. Decide together what consequences the child will have to experience if they leave something undone. If you want to offer a reward for completing the tasks, decide what it will be before the child begins using the list.
For other tips, see “Chores and Kids” from The Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia.
Teach Your Child Financial Independence
No matter how little money the child has, they can learn how to handle it responsibility. This will not only get them into the habit of saving and spending wisely, buit it will also help them learn about delaying gratification – always an important skill.
Family experts are still debating whether parents should pay children to do chores. Some argue that it encourages “entrepreneurial spirit” when the child realizes they can make more money by doing more work. They also point out that adults don’t work without pay, so why should children?
Others say children should simply do chores as a member of the family. You don’t get paid to mow the lawn; why should your child? This side of the debate says that children should receive an allowance as a means of teaching them money management skills.
This debate is just one challenge of the many delicate aspects of financial literacy. For help teaching your children about basic money management, consider joining Be Strong International’s Strong Money Mentality for Youth workshops. We also offer Strong Money Mentality for Adults.
Encourage Your Child to Be Confident
This is an important part of teaching your child to be independent. If they do not feel confident, they may hesitate about learning what you want to teach them.
First, be sure you’re giving them tasks they can handle. Asking a 7-year-old to cook dinner is sure to result in a spoiled dinner and a 7-year-old who feels incompetent. But that child can probably set the table or toss the salad.
When the child does complete a task, praise them and thank them. Do this even if they haven’t completed it perfectly. Don’t give them fake praise but find something good to say. If they tried hard, praise them for the effort. If they failed because of something beyond their control, let them know you’re aware of the reason. “I know you did your best. Thanks for trying. Next time you’ll do better” is both supportive and honest.
Preparing for the Day
Now that you’ve started teaching your child independence, here’s how to make it work. here’s how to make it work with a well-planned routine:
Make a Morning Organization Chart
Who’s clearing away the breakfast dishes? Who’s walking the dog? Put everyone’s responsibilities in writing so there’s no question who’s supposed to do what. Include yourself, for a greater sense that everyone’s in this together.
Allow Extra Time
Unless your family operates with military precision (and very few families do), you can’t structure every moment of every morning. Sdd in some extra time to allow for forgotten tasks, accidents and just plain dawdling. Trying to follow a minute-by-minute schedule will only add to your stress.
Set aside each evening for planning and preparation
Take five or ten minutes just before bedtime to update the schedule and be sure everyone is clear about what they’re supposed to do the next day. Ask about any events that will require changing the schedule.
Relax: Don’t Expect Perfection
When teaching your child to be independent, effort matters much more than results. If you gave to correct the mistake, praise the parts that worked and gently offer to help finish the job – but express confidence that they’ll do it better the next time. Before fixing anything, ask yourself if it really needs fixing or if you can live with it.
Prepare for the Unexpected
No matter how well you prepare, every day will have its own set of surprises. The only thing we can do is be as ready as possible before they happen. If you invest some time preparing for the day or days ahead, and if you teach your child to be responsible for making each day a success, you’ll save yourself a lot of stress and will be better able to enjoy the good things the day will bring.
Contact us today at BeStrong International to help guide you in creating better and more effective tools to manage you day, your stress, and your family life.
