When you say “I love you” to your children, you’re using one of the most effective child-raising techniques available to you. It’s a relatively new approach. Your parents may have said it to you only rarely, if at all. Not saying the words doesn’t mean they were bad parents, just that they were part of a generation that didn’t realize how much it can build children’s self-esteem – and didn’t even know how important self-esteem is. 

But today, we know that learning how to say “I love you” to your children can help them grow into confident, successful adults. 

Building Self Esteem in Children

Research shows that children’s self-esteem is essential to their development. In an article at PositivePsychology.com,  Dr. Jeremy Sutton, PhD, reports:   

Self-esteem is crucial to children’s academic achievement, participation, engagement in activities, social relationships, and, ultimately, their sense of wellbeing.

Children low in self-esteem tend to be shy and introverted, with self-imposed limitations and a fixed mindset. Those high in self-esteem are enthusiastic, active, feel a greater sense of worth, and, perhaps most importantly, feel comfortable with who they are . . . It follows that supporting a child as they grow and develop their self-esteem can improve their psychological wellbeing and what they get out of, and put into, life.

But how do you build a child’s self-esteem? Experts say it depends on various factors, including “liking ourselves and feeling capable,” writes Sherie Newman in “The Importance of Self-Esteem,” an article for the Child Development and Family Center at Northern Illinois University. Citing behavior expert Madelyn Swift, she writes, “It is important to build a child’s belief that they can handle their life and handle it well . . . Liking ourselves and feeling capable are the foundations on which emotional health rests.”

As Newman notes, our parenting style can have a profound effect on our children’s self-esteem.

Impact of Parenting Styles on a Child’s Self Esteem

In fact, “parental practices and styles . . . have a direct effect on a child’s adjustment and view of themselves,” writes Michele Reid, MA, a development consultant and founder of the Legacy Consulting Institute (LCI). 

In an article at LCI, Reid writes that children of authoritarian parents tend to “show more signs of both anxiety and anger and [are] more likely to have lower self-esteem. They may show self-control around authority. However, they lack the self-regulation needed to successfully interact socially when the authority is not present to regulate or monitor for them.” Parents who exert their authority with tactics like spanking, yelling or grounding usually have children who “obey authority but are more aggressive as adolescence or adults and exhibit poor self-regulation,” she writes.

Another tactic she notes is  “love withdraw,” the withholding of attention and communication. “The more use of such psychological control, the lower the child’s self-esteem.”

In contrast, she notes, “Studies show that parents that exhibit more warmth have children with greater self-esteem, higher academic success, and less [likelihood] to suffer from depression or delinquency. “

Saying “I Love You” to Your Children

You can see, then, how important it is to make your children feel loved. 

But it’s more than simply saying the words, “I love you.” Showing love is a time when the expression “Actions speak louder than words” really means something. If you don’t back up your loving words with loving actions, they’re meaningless. 

For children, love means caring about someone enough to spend time with them. As they grow older, they also begin to see it as a matter of trust and respect. If you love someone, you trust and respect them enough to make their own decisions, or at least to have a say in the decisions affecting them.

Ways to Say “I Love You” to Your Child

At Be Strong International, we’re constantly amazed at the power of those three words: I love you. You don’t even have to say the words for the message to come across. A gesture, a smile, a gentle squeeze of the hand are simple ways to show affection and make the child feel loved. You can also show them you love them by spending time with them in fun and thoughtful ways, especially if you give them some say in the activity.

Here are some ideas for showing your kids you love them. But it’s not what you do that matters. The important thing is that you show them you like them, you’re glad they’re here and, above all, you love them.

100 Ways to Show Your Child You Love Them

Cute Ways

1. Wake them up by singing “You Are My Sunshine”
2. Call them by a silly but affectionate name
3. For breakfast, make a heart-shaped pancake 
4. Give them some of those candy Valentine hearts with funny puns about love
5. Write “I love you” in magnetic letters on your refrigerator.
6. Say it in pig Latin 
7. Tell each other silly jokes
8. Surprise them with a candy bar or other treat during your grocery trip
9. Come up with a way of texting “I love you” that only the two of you understand
10. Go to lunch and take selfies together.

Time Together Ways 

1. Play cards
2. See a movie they want to see
3. Binge-watch their favorite TV show 
4. Play video games with them
5. Have a backward meal in their honor: Dessert first!
6. Have a spa day 
7. Celebrate the school year’s end at an indoor playground
8. Go fishing
9. Make cookies
10. Pick them up early from school and do whatever they want
11. Cook together
12. Go shopping for something fun 
13. Have a backyard picnic
14. Look at their baby pictures 
15. Look at your baby pictures or wedding pictures
16. Take an afternoon off work and do whatever they want
17. Make pizza together
18. Take a bike ride in the neighborhood
19. Make a recording about the day they were born 
20. Interview them about their favorite hobby
21. Teach them a card game
22. Have a scavenger hunt
23. Blindfold them and drive to a surprise fun spot
24. Have a backyard marshmallow roast
25. Have a water gunfight 
26. Have them invite a friend for a sleepover
27. Play on the swings and slide at the local park
28. Play tag, hide & seek or a similar game 
29. If you live near a train, ride it to the next town
30. Roast marshmallows over an outdoor fire or grill
31. Go out for coffee together
32. Have an ice cream social with their friends
33. Have a family spelling bee
34. Play Silent Sam – the first person to make the other one laugh wins
35. Play hide ’n seek – and don’t try to get found to get the game over with!
36. Tell knock-knock jokes to each other
37. Teach them some dances from your teen years
38. Hunt for seashells
39. On movie night, let them pick the movie
40. Take a nature hike together

Caring Ways

1. If they get an allowance, give them a bonus for no reason 
2. At the pool, pay attention when they call to you to “Watch this!”
3. Referee the kids’ cannonball contest at the pool
4. At bedtime, talk about their day for five or ten minutes 
5. Write “I love you” on a sticky note in one of their school textbooks
6. Tell them you’re proud of them
7. Apologize when you’re wrong
8. Forgive them when they’re wrong
9. With their teacher’s permission, bring a healthy but tasty snack for everyone in their class 
10. Make a toast to them at dinner
11. Put a loving note in their lunchbox
12. Send an affectionate message in a meme or fun text message
13. If their friends are around, squeeze their hand discreetly  instead of giving a hug
14. Let them pick out their lunchbox snacks
15. Thank them for doing their chores
16. Volunteer to read a story to their school or day-care class
17. Put away your phone and listen when they talk
18. Brag about them on social media 
19. Make their favorite meal once a week
20. Put up their awards in a prominent place
21. Get a trophy case for their awards
22. Be available for homework help
23. Get involved in their school activities
24. Make sure to attend Parents Night at their school
25. Be generous when it’s your turn to bring snacks to a game
26. Set aside work when they want to play
27. Chaperone a school event
28. Post their good grades on social media
29. Ask for their opinion about something in the news
30. Listen when they come to you with a problem
31. Share one secret about yourself
32. Don’t make promises you can’t keep
33. Offer to speak at their school’s next Career Day
34. Help them practice their sport: Play catch, shag tennis balls or whatever they need
35. Be a chaperone on a field trip
36. Bring a special treat to their class party
37. Play cards
38. See a movie they want to see
39. Unplug from all your screens and just talk
40. Encourage them when they try something new
41. Bring a special treat to their class party
42. Unplug from all your screens and just talk
43. Encourage them when they try something new

Creative Ways

1. Frame their best artwork and hang it prominently
2. Video-call them next time you’re away
3. Take photos on a walk together and make an album of what you see
4. Open an Instagram account together
5. Make a TikTok video
6. Grow a flower or vegetable garden
7. Cook and eat the vegetables you’ve grown
8. Build sandcastles at the beach

Contact us today to see what program at BeStrong International would best fit your child’s needs and personality. We can’t wait to get in touch with you!