Once, you and your child felt like best friends. You played together, laughed together, shared sports or hobbies together. They seemed to look up to you, often bringing their friends to the house.
Then, you suddenly became the enemy. What happened?
Your child became a teenager, that’s what.
Starting around age 13 – but often sooner – children begin growing into adulthood by pulling away from their parents. Unfortunately, this sometimes seems to take the form of outright rejection of everything they once loved about your family.
It doesn’t have to be that harsh. When you understand why your teen is pulling away, you can take steps to build a healthy parent-child relationship even when your child is a teenager.
It’s Normal to Have Conflicts with Your Teen
First, understand that it’s normal for teens to go their own way without you. Even in healthy relationships, these can be rough years. In fact, it’s really a sign of a good parent-child relationship when the child pulls away, and the parent lets them find their new place in the world.
Think of this as your teen’s practice for adulthood. One day they will really be on their own. If they haven’t had any experience with independence, their natural development will be delayed.
But this doesn’t mean they don’t need you as a parent; they need you even more. They will make mistakes and fail; they will make bad decisions. You must be there to help them learn and hope they don’t repeat them.
It’s a delicate balance; being there for your child but still letting them make mistakes and learn for themselves. You’ll get through it more successfully if you remember that your child is not being defiant just to be defiant. At the same time, you cannot make your role in the parent and child relationship be about power. The days are over when you could tell your child to do something “because I said so.” Maintaining a healthy relationship is about recognizing and respecting each other’s points of view.
It’s not a power struggle, but you still have to be willing to give up some control.
Helping Your Teen Find Their Independence
For parents, this can be the hardest part of the teen years. You’ve made every decision in your child’s life – from the clothes they wore to the food they ate and the friends they played with. It wasn’t your choice – it would have been irresponsible of you not to take charge of these things.
Now you’re being asked to give up the decision-making to someone with no experience.
Building a healthy parent-teen relationship is a lot like when you taught them to ride a bike. You probably did this by holding the bike and running alongside it as they figured out how to find their balance. Then, after a few minutes, as you realized they were ready to ride alone, you let go and watched them pedal away from you.
It was a proud moment. And a scary one. What if they really weren’t ready after all? What if they fell off and got hurt? What if they rode too far, crossed into an intersection, and got hit by a car?
If you’ve prepared them and yourself properly, these concerns won’t be real hazards. For example, you probably didn’t just let your child ride off alone; you ran alongside them, not holding the bike but being close by if they needed you. You were there to grab the bike if they started to cross into the intersection or stop them if their brakes failed or forgot how to use them.
You may find it’s hard to know when to pull away completely; your teen may feel like you don’t trust them if you hover too close. Many adolescents complain that their parents don’t let them be themselves but expect them to conform to a particular image and plan for their lives. Maybe the parents want their child to pursue a specific career or the parents’ choice of college. These plans may even be something the family has agreed on for years, but suddenly the teen has changed their mind.
It’s difficult, but you must accept that your teen is an individual capable of making good decisions about their life can be challenging. Still, you must do it. You can still guide their choices and be there to offer advice. In fact, you may find that the less control you try to exert, the more they will seek your help.
Resolving Parent-Teen Conflicts
Should you expect your struggles with your teen to last forever – or until they leave home? Sometimes you may feel the conflict will never end, but it is possible to reduce the friction. Most of that responsibility falls on you, of course.
Success begins when you realize that it’s your child’s job to grow up, which means growing away from you. It’s your job to help them achieve independence, the way you once helped them learn to walk and talk; they walked away from you, and they said things you didn’t always like, but you both did your job.
If you find your relationship issues are harder to resolve, you may need professional help. It may be time to seek family counseling, or you may just want to take some parenting classes.
One source of help is Be Strong International’s parenting education program, Raising the B.A.R. Parenting Alliance. Raising the B.A.R. (Budding Adult Relationships) is a free parenting workshop program that helps caregivers learn how to raise happy, healthy children. It offers workshops through The Children’s Trust, which supports community programs improving the lives of children and families.
Raising the B.A.R. parenting workshops cover discipline, self-esteem, social media safety, family involvement, and similar issues. Sessions include the teen-focused Ready to Talk, which analyzes attitudes, perceptions, practices, and the decision-making processes of both parents and teens about sexual activity.
Even with professional help, you’re bound to feel some stress from the changes in your parent-child relationship. But, you’ll find it’s worth going through. In the end, you may find your connection will be stronger and more rewarding. There’s nothing like sharing time with your adult children, who’ve become strong, independent people because you let them find their way.
Once you understand how normal it is for your teen to test you and even reject you, you can relax and enjoy watching them grow toward adulthood. (Yes, there will be some enjoyable moments.) Your adolescent will probably survive the teen years and turn out just fine – and so will you.
Healthy Relationship Tips for Parents and Teens
Try these five ways to strengthen your relationship with your teen:
Give them some space.
Your teen wants and needs to spend time apart from you and the family, building friendships and developing their sense of self. And face it: You just aren’t cool. So treat them like the adult they’re becoming and show them you trust them to act apart from you. Just stay aware of who they’re hanging out with and what they’re doing, because they’re bound to make some mistakes.
Understand that your relationship has probably changed.
Part of growing up is breaking away from old relationships. Remember when you used to call your teen by a funny nickname and all the good-natured teasing you used to do with each other? Well, that’s over – or soon will be. Respect the fact that your pre-teen is now a full-fledged teenager and probably doesn’t go for all that silly stuff anymore. Be especially aware that yesterday’s harmless teasing could be today’s humiliating insult for a sensitive teen.
Keep spending time together.
Your teen is still part of your family, and, believe it or not, they do want to spend time with you. It makes them feel more secure, knowing their family cares about them. It also gives them a safe space to relax and not worry about having to show how cool they are. Sharing meals, going on family vacations and outings, or watching TV together can strengthen your bonds.
Show interest in what they’re doing.
Ask them about school or work, sports if they’re into that, or hobbies they’re pursuing. Make sure you’re expressing genuine interest and engaging with them authentically; otherwise, your questions will seem like an interrogation. They’ll wonder why you suddenly care what they’re doing. If they still don’t want to talk, despite your sincere approach, back off until they’re ready.
Stop talking and just listen.
Be open to your teen talking to you about what’s on their mind or just chatting about the day’s events. Let them lead the conversation. If they come to you with a problem, don’t jump in with a solution or assume they’re looking for one. Instead, respond empathetically, showing them you understand their situation. Even if they ask for an answer, try to guide them to find it themselves; that’s what they’re really asking for.
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