It’s essential to have friends in our lives. Some of us wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for our friends. They can be a source of support in times of need, making it a little easier to overcome life’s problems. 

Take a moment and think about your relationship with your best friend. How long did it take to develop to what it is today? What did they do to become your best friend? We have to allow our children to build healthy friendships. The trick is to start early and teach them that to have a good friend, they have to be a good friend.

It’s not as easy as it sounds, especially with older children. But, be Strong International’s parent-child communication workshops, Ready to Talk, can help you get started. Workshop topics include the importance of communicating about healthy relationships – which, experts say, can lay the foundation for success later in life.

How to Teach Your Child to Be a Good Friend

It might surprise you to think that your child needs your help making friends. Shouldn’t it come naturally? It does for some, but many children don’t know how to interact with their peers. This is often the case for only children or first-born children because they have no brothers or sisters to help them learn about getting along with other children. Some of them – maybe even your child – feel frustrated about this and act out by hitting or teasing other children. So, yes – they do need your help.

You can give them help in several ways. Techniques include modeling positive friendship, pointing out good examples and simply talking about relationships. Teaching your child about making friends will benefit them in many ways, both now as a child and later as an adult.

Why Children Need Friends

Research suggests that children who have friends are happier and more confident as they grow up and adulthood. “Some studies show that kids as young as kindergarteners know what it means to be lonely and to feel boredom and sadness,” writes Hansa D. Bhargava, M.D., in “Fit Kids: The Importance of Children’s Friendships” at WebMD. Lonely children can grow up to be lonely adults. 

The research confirms this, write Elian Fink and Claire Hughes in “Children’s Friendships” for The Psychologist:

“Some have even argued that without the opportunities friendships afford for collaboration and intimacy children would fail to develop the social skills necessary for later successful adult relationships. Indeed, there have been studies . . . linking having a good-quality friendship during one’s school years and later relationship quality. Clearly then important processes are at play when children interact with their friends that form a model for social interactions that span a lifetime.”

Child development experts warn parents not to confuse having friends with being popular. They’re not the same thing, says Kenneth Rubin, Ph.D., professor of human development at the University of Maryland and author of The Friendship Factor: Helping Our Children Navigate Their Social World — and Why It Matters for Their Success and Happiness.

“Not every child has to be popular, nor can every child be popular,” Rubin writes. Popularity is often a temporary condition based on superficial factors. It’s more important for a child to learn how to build relationships that last than to work on getting people to like them at the moment. Learning how to build healthy relationships teaches them empathy and negotiating for what they want in a fair way that considers others’ needs.

Before talking to your child about friendship, it helps to understand friendship – good and bad – yourself. 

What Makes a Good Friend?

It’s not hard to understand. A good friend is simply “someone who cares about you for yourself, just the way you are,” mental health advocate Sarah Fader writes at Better Help, an e-counseling platform. Fader notes that some people want unique qualities in their friends, like sharing a sense of adventure or love of certain music or movies. But several qualities are universal, she writes:

• Trust: This doesn’t just mean they’ll keep your secrets, but that you can be yourself around them without being judged.
• Empathy: A good friend will be there to help when you have a problem. They will understand your feelings and will respond appropriately; they won’t laugh when you’re sad or get angry if you tell them you made a mistake.
• Give and Take: A good friendship goes two ways. One of you should not always be the one doing favors for the other or deciding what you will do together. If you cannot do something they ask, they will not get upset or break off the relationship.
• Boundaries: A true friend doesn’t ask you to do things that make you feel uncomfortable or that violate your ethics or morals.

If your friend doesn’t display one or more of these qualities, talk to them about it. A true friend will listen to your concerns and be willing to change. However, if they continue their behavior, you may be in what’s considered a toxic relationship. In this case, you may have no choice but to walk away from the relationship.

How to Walk Away from a Toxic Friendship

A friendship is toxic when one person routinely does things that hurt the other physically or emotionally. This can include anything from making fun of you in public or insisting that you do things that make you feel uncomfortable, to hitting or threatening to hit you. However, even when these things are happening, it can be hard to walk away from toxic friends. After all, you probably became friends because they made you feel good, and you want to keep seeing the good in them.

But now they just make you feel bad.

When you decide you’ve had enough, here’s how to end it:

• Plan a conversation in which you tell your friend how you feel. Don’t just ghost them; you’re just prolonging the agony.
• Choose a time and place where you will both be comfortable – not on a busy day or when you’re on your way somewhere else.
• Do set a time limit on your discussion. An hour or two should be enough. 
• Remind yourself that you don’t deserve your friend’s treatment and you didn’t do anything to cause it. 
• Be honest and factual. State that you want to end the friendship and explain why in a specific, non-judgmental manner. “When you laughed at me at dinner again, I felt humiliated,” not “You’re always so mean to me!”
• End the conversation when you choose. Don’t get drawn into an argument.

Teaching Your Child About Friendship

You can help your child avoid getting into toxic friendships by teaching them how to make good friends and be a good friend to others. Here are five ways to teach your child to learn how to be a good friend and build healthy relationships for life:

1. Be a Friendship Role Model

Children look to their parents to learn how they’re supposed to act in society. Choose your friends wisely and treat them kindly, and your child will be more likely to do the same with their friends,

2. Talk to Them About Friendship

If your family has moved into a new neighborhood or the children are starting at a new school, offer some suggestions on making friends. Ask what they plan to do and tell them how you make friends in a new place.

3. Help Them Meet Other Children

Make play dates with your friends’ children, if they’re around the same age as yours. Enroll them in after-school activities or community classes. But once you provide the opportunity, back off. Your job is not to make friends for them but opportunities to make friends on their own.

4. Teach Them It’s OK to Disagree with a Friend

Even friends fight with each other, and your child may think a fight means things are over. Make sure they know that friends can make up and resume their relationship. But make it clear that friends don’t have to fight; this is an excellent opportunity to talk about ways to negotiate and settle a disagreement without going away mad.

5. Praise the Good, Coach Away the Rest

Use praise and positive reinforcement when teaching your child to be a good friend.  “I love that you made sure John was invited to the party so he can make some new friends.” On the other hand, if you catch your child being less than a good friend, coach them subtly to change their behavior. “I was just wondering if you’re going to ask Todd to invite John to the party so he can meet new people and learn to fit in better.”

Teach Your Child to Be the Best Friend

The ability to make friends is a skill that your child will never stop benefiting from. Knowing how to keep their friends will be even more vital to their success in life.

For more help with communicating to your children or other ways to strengthen your family, contact Be Strong International today.